


Walking in circles

by smilingpierrot



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Overthinking, POV First Person, Shounen-ai, mentions of death and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 08:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilingpierrot/pseuds/smilingpierrot
Summary: A lonely soul would sell his loyalty for a gentle smile.Sakuya thinks about his relationship with Tsubaki, and how it evolved. From the day he was saved, until Mahiru came into the picture and everything became even more confused than it used to be.





	Walking in circles

«You went through so much pain, didn't you? But everything's fine now. When this is all over, I'll come to fetch you.»

  
Sakuya hangs onto that promise, and his feet dangle above an abyss – even the worst liar needs something to believe in, even if it's a risky bet. A beautiful foreigner with a gentle smile is the truth he recognizes.

  
It's naive, really: Sakuya has never met anyone out of the ugly monsters that populate his town, but why should a foreigner be any more honest? If even his sister betrayed his trust like that, why cling onto the hand of a stranger caressing his head? He shouldn't believe him. He shouldn't wait for a man without a name, a memory so blurry it looks more like a dream – a delusion his mind built to keep him from going crazy, maybe.

  
There is nothing to wait for, he tells himself, and he shouldn't be so stupid as to believe otherwise. And then he sneaks out on the small balcony, unseen; he gets on his tiptoes, and looks down. He hears a voice in his head speak mercilessly: “Just a little push, and you'll be free. Do you really think your life will get better one day? This is the Hell you deserve for killing her.” But he never does it. He never jumps down. What if that stranger is just one day away from picking him up? What if Sakuya jumps right when that man knocks on his door? Sakuya has no idea when it will be all over. He has no idea what event to wait for.

  
This ignorance keeps him alive for six years. He waits for something without a name and without a shape, sitting at the same swing to watch the sun go down everyday. The man never comes, but Sakuya needs a truth to believe in, or the pain would survive death and haunt him even in Hell. And so he waits.

  
«Don't you want to meet your sister again, Sakuya-chan?»

  
The sweet voice of his mother, and the big hands of his father on his arms. He is dragged out in the balcony, towards the death he has always seduced but never really chased – and now he screams and kicks against the unspoken wish he always had.

He thought time would slow down in the fall. He thought he would die right as his body crashed on the concrete. He was wrong about both things – it takes less than a second to reach the street underneath, but the pain is neverending and death walks too slow towards him.

It's raining. Alone in his blood and regret, Sakuya can think only of the man that smiled at him six years ago: “He was a liar too.”

 

 

Sakuya doesn't like the other Subclasses.

«Tsubakkyuuuun, the newcomer is boooooring! He wants to eat kombiiiiini!»

«How does my choice of food makes me boring?!»

«Kombini is bad for your health, Sakuya.»

«We are all _dead_!»

He doesn't have a personal space here, in this group of loud and nosy people always dragging him into unlikely activities to kill boredom – these people who dislike him because he never smiles and never laughs and doesn't respect his elders. But it isn't really a problem of character. It isn't a big deal that they treat him like a brat because he was still in highschool when Tsubaki picked him up, or that they tease him for his green hair and pouty face and pink earphones.

It's just that he didn't think his savior to be the kind to pick the broken pieces of so many people at once.

«Are you still fighting about dinner? Just let the kid choose and be adults.»

«Higaaaan! Why are you taking his side?!»

«I think he was referring to you when he said “kid”, Belkia.»

«You are not funny at all, Girioto!»

Sakuya looks around, and in every face around him he sees a pain that is both foreign and too familiar to his. Nobody speaks about their past, naturally – not with him at least, and he has no way to know for certain how intimate the other Subclasses are with each other -; but somehow it's crystal clear in the way everybody clings onto Tsubaki, onto his smile and praise. They share the same living place, but if their Servamp was not there, then this little family would shatter like glass hitting the ground, every shard flying in a different direction. Tsubaki is the glue keeping this group together.  
Were they healed already? Is Tsubaki a medicine they need to get rid of the pain? Or is this a healing process that will end when they can finally part ways from their savior without suffering?

«You guys are as lively as ever~ I guess that means I should choose to make you calm down?»

«No way! You are going to drag us to eat sushi again!»

Sakuya looks at Tsubaki, and thinks that this man is not what a savior should be like. He is moody, lunatic, childish in every whim of his – and yet he is exactly as kind as Sakuya imagined, as beautiful as a vampire should be. He leads this family with an alluring smile and a gentle hand, like a father.

The only one to know everybody's secrets, the reasons they needed to be saved. Why is everybody here? Why didn't they want to stay dead? Why did they drink Tsubaki's blood, what did they hope to find in him?

Thinking about it hurts his head. Sakuya isn't certain why _he_ is here either. Why did he accept this second chance? Where is Tsubaki leading them all?

«Sakuya~ You look so out of it, do you want kombini so much?» Tsubaki gets closer to the window, to him – looking at him with worried eyes, betrayed by a smile he hides behind the long sleeve of his kimono. This kind of family discussions amuse him.

And yet, as he looks up at him, Sakuya wonders why this man wants so badly to fix the broken humans he meets on his way.

«I don't care. You are going to decide for us in the end anyway.»

«How cruel, Sakuya!» Tsubaki whines, smile disappearing as he flails chidishly around «I will prove you wrong! Higan, go grab kombini!»

So simpleminded.

 

 

Sakuya wishes he could feel towards Tsubaki as clearly as everybody else seems to do, but the Servamp doesn't make it easy for him.

«Don't worry so much, Sakuya! Pink hair fits you just as fine!» he says, laughing till he has to clutch his stomach – and Sakuya thinks that he could punch him for once, because they are alone and nobody would stop him. How did he become this lunatic vampire's favourite hobby, exactly? Why is _he_ always the target of idiotic pranks that only manage to piss him off? Shamrock would probably jerk off to the chance of being Tsubaki's little toy to humiliate, but for some reason the loser newcomer is always the one to suffer.

He doesn't bother say anything as he slams the bathroom door closed behind him, hoping that Tsubaki had at least the taste to not use a permanent dye and that this awful pastel colour will leave with a bit of scrubbing.

He regrets not bringing the fox plushie he bought a couple days ago in the bathroom now, but it felt awkward showering with a copy of Tsubaki staring at him. Even if it's just an inanimate object. He is going to punch that toy so hard as soon as he is back in his room, so hard it will come alive and beg him to stop – it will beg with Tsubaki's voice, begging for forgiveness, and then Sakuya would have punched it more and... and...

His fantasies are going too far, he realizes. And that realization keeps him still, snapping him out of his cruel daydream as the cold water runs down his head and face, turning light pink as it gives his hair the original green colour. Would he hurt his Servamp if he had the chance? Well, why shouldn't he? Punch some common sense into his stupid head shouldn't be considered violence. Would Tsubaki get angry if he did? He doesn't get angry when he vents his frustration on that innocent fox plushie.

Sakuya can only sigh and close his eyes, turning the water hot. Hotter. Not enough, hotter! Until it burns his skin and he has to literally cling onto the sink to keep his body from jolting away. He is used to self-punishment more than he'll ever allow anyone of this disfunctional family find out – because then they would get worried, tell him to stop, but he deserves this! He deserves this for thinking about hurting his Servamp. His annoying, loud, improper, nosy, childish Servamp, who allows a stupid Subclass like Sakuya to talk to him as if they were on the same level. Tsubaki could easily punish him for his rebellious behaviour if he wanted.

Tsubaki allows all of this because he trusts Sakuya to care about him, despite his shitty character and overreactions to everything. And Sakuya is not allowed to break that trust, even thinking about it should be a sin worse than Melancholy itself! Tsubaki saved him. Tsubaki gave him a family, and a home, and a new life. Maybe it's not perfect, but it's all Tsubaki could give him.  
Tsubaki, Tsubaki, Tsubaki. The name fills his head until even the water doesn't hurt anymore, a placebo against all the pain. He can think only of that man. Of his smile, and of his hand reaching for him.

_I came to get you._

Slowly, Sakuya scrubs the last shades of pink off his hair and walks out of the bathroom without worrying about drying himself. Tsubaki is still there.

«Sakuya! You washed it off already?! I didn't even have the time to take a photo! I wanted to show the others!»

«Fuck you!»

No, he thinks. No matter how angry he will ever be at Tsubaki, he could never betray that trust.

 

 

«You behave so differently in school, Sakuya.»

Tsubaki's expression is never honest, even if his words are. It's impossible to guess what the Servamp thinks about, even when he pretends to be open about his emotions. It's unsettling.

«Did you come to spy on me?!»

Sakuya doesn't know what to answer. Of course he acts differently. In school, he is not the loner newcomer mourning in a corner. He can build himself a new personality, tell all the lies and stories he wants and be loved thanks to the smiles he spreads around – he is bubbly and cheerful and wears proudly the name of class clown. In school, he got to choose his friends.  
Tsubaki bursts out laughing, but he doesn't stop to complain how boring it all his. No, he laughs and laughs, and that's one of the few signals that can be read without any risk of being mistaken: he is angry.

«What's so funny about it? You are invading my privacy!» Sakuya sputters, a bit freaked out – why isn't Tsubaki stopping? But thank God his voice snaps the Servamp out of it, and all he gets as a reply is a sigh: «Ah, so boring.»

«If it's boring stop spying on me» Sakuya frowns, looking away – he grasps his earphones with the intention of putting them on. Shut everything out. But somehow he feels like this time he shouldn't behave like the rebellious son, and so he holds them in his hands uselessly, not sure what to do.

Tsubaki walks closer to him, smiling. His eyes are hidden behind the sunglasses.

«Sakuya, you look so worried~ What is it? Do you have a secret you are keeping from me?»

A secret, Sakuya thinks? No. It isn't a lie, he thinks – it's just... something he keeps silent. A warm smile and a hand reaching out for him.

How can he hope to explain clearly to Tsubaki how much Mahiru means to him? Wouldn't Tsubaki misunderstand and think Sakuya is betraying them for somebody else?

«I have nothing to hide.»

«Of course you don't. I know everything about my precious Subclasses, after all...» Tsubaki is leaning closer now, so close Sakuya can feel his breath on his lips – it's cold, like snow falling in winter «It'd be naive of you to think you can hide something from me. You do know that, right?»

Is it a threat? A warning? Sakuya swallows the lump in his throat, staring at the innatural curve of Tsubaki's lips – nothing like the beautiful smile he always gives his family or the amused smirk when he pulls a stupid prank on him, rather only a split on his face. Is he scared? Scared of his savior? Of his Subclass? He is not that kind of cheater, he would never betray Tsubaki with such a dirty feeling!

«... I know.»

Immediately, Tsubaki pulls away and giggles in the sleeve of his kimono. The spell breaks, and Sakuya breathes again.

Did he pass the test?

«I am not against you having friends, Sakuya! Even if you all forgot about your Tsubaki, Tsubaki would always wait for you to come back and apologize for your bad behaviour~» he says cheerfully, tilting his head as he looks at Sakuya with fond eyes «Of course I am aware that everybody can turn into a traitor, you see. So, I already forgave you all in advance for that day, when it comes...»  
I would never betray you, Sakuya wants to say.

But he frowns, and looks down at his earphones, and without another word puts them on.

 

 

Where is his honesty, Sakuya wonders? Is it in school, where he smiles and laughs freely? Or is it among his fellow Subclasses, where he replies at everything with an unimpressed face and dry sarcasm?  
He cannot stop thinking about it. He tries to act on his first impulse in both occasions, but then what is the real Sakuya? Is he scared he'll be rejected if he acts moody around his classmates, or doesn't he feel comfortable enough around the other vampires to smile and make jokes? What is more important? His family, or his friends?

A lot of time has passed. He is not the newcomer anymore – the Subclasses closer to Tsubaki accepted him as one of them a long time ago, and the others look up at him as one of the leaders of the weird army the Servamp is building around him. They became a family. Not like the one he used to have and despise in his former life, but one where a bunch of broken people come together and try to glue each other's pieces to build something decent out of them. Sakuya cares about the other Subclasses a lot, even though it's hard to admit it openly; even though he knows they go look at him, sometimes, when he is in school. And who knows what they think when they see him laugh and tease his new friends, when they see a side of him he never shows at home.

But he tries to comply. He follows every whim of Tsubaki, and he argues with Belkia because he occupies the bathroom for too long. He has his own seat at the dinner table, between Tsubaki and Otogiri, and when he comes back home late Higan insists to heat up his plate even though he could just do it with the microwave. He has a routine, a daily life he sticks close to, and it's easy to forget that his Servamp in the meanwhile is drawing the strings for a war that nobody knows when it'll start.

It's easy to not feel guilty, when he feasts on the blood of innocents because he was ordered to just cause havoc, to spread fear, to send a signal to the mysterious siblings of Tsubaki that are watching. It's easy, because he is always thanked for his hard work with the same smile that saved him years ago. It's easy, because at home it's like they are just another family like many others, and Sakuya thinks that maybe he could invite these idiots to the school festival if they promise to behave. He could ask Otogiri and Higan to please keep the others in check, make sure they don't embarass him. He even thinks that maybe he could introduce them to Mahiru and the others with some weird excuse – Higan could be his father, or his uncle, and Belkia and Otogiri his siblings, and Shamrock? He doesn't like Shamrock, but he could be a family friend, maybe. What about Tsubaki?

What could Tsubaki be, he wonders?

 

 

Sakuya doesn't know what romantic love feels like. In his former life he didn't have the emotional stability to get a crush on anyone, and the new one doesn't seem suited for such... human feelings. For a first kiss, and for holding hands, and for a first time shared in a too small bed when the house is empty: where's the space for such experiences, such feelings? This new Sakuya, reborn from the blood of Tsubaki, knows only adoration. Worship at the feet of the man that saved his life, drunk on the blood of the victims he sacrificed to the Servamp, and the weird pain that comes from a feeling bigger than his heart can ever be.

And yet, he thinks there is something romantic in what he feels for Mahiru. In the smile that comes to his lips when he looks at his friend, in all the photos he takes of him when he is not seen – when he is at school, when he is out, he gets high on the warmth that Mahiru radiates; but when he comes back home, and looks at all the photos he took and all the messages they exchanged, he feels weirded out. Almost ashamed. Is that him?

Romantic love. It seems so dangerous, to fall romantically for somebody – didn't he decide he'd stick around his friends only until the end of highschool? When they start aging, and looking like young men, and he will be stuck in this teen body never to fully develop, always to be too babyfaced... And why? Why romantic love? It's dangerous. Love gets in the way. Love brings daughters and sons away from their parents' loving home; love makes you forget other priorities.

Behind his frown and unfriendly attitude, Sakuya doesn't want to leave Tsubaki and the others behind. And yet he can't bring himself to delete those photos, he can't bring himself to put a distance between himself and Mahiru. Between himself and the kind hand reaching for him, giving a sense to this new life he found. Sakuya still doesn't know why he accepted a second chance, but Mahiru makes it feel worth it.

It's so wrong, he thinks. And he looks for Tsubaki in the darkness of the house, because even at night nobody really sleeps, not always at least – he waves at Higan smoking on the balcony, grabs a soda from the fridge.

«Tomorrow you have school, some rest would do you good», the old man says.

«I am fine.»

And he walks through the corridors, through the rooms with the open doors – Tsubaki doesn't like when they close the doors of their rooms. Only Otogiri is allowed to close hers when she sleeps and changes clothes.

He finds Tsubaki in his room – the lights are off and he is sitting next to the window, watching with sad eyes outside. What does Tsubaki see, Sakuya wonders? When he thinks nobody is looking, when he allows his eyes to fill up with unshed tears, what does he see? What does he think? Is he also broken, like everybody else in this house is – and why can nobody find the pieces to put him back together, Sakuya wonders? So many people surround the Servamp, so many people were saved by him, and yet none of them managed to fix him yet.

So ungrateful.

So unfair.

«Tsubaki?»

The Servamp blinks, surprised, when he sees him at the door: «Sakuya? It's so rare for you to come look for me. Did something happen?»

Sakuya swings the can of soda between his fingers, awkwardly. He didn't really think of anything to say – he just felt drawn in, lured like a sailor by a siren's sweet voice. Guilt and shame pushed him here, and maybe he should fall on his knees and cry for forgiveness, repent for his sins, for being such an ungrateful being.

I think I fell in love with somebody, he should say.

«Nothing happened» he mumbles, walking in. He also looks out of the window, but there is very little to see: it's a dark, cloudy night outside. «I just... Today we did not really talk much, and I don't want you to come to me tomorrow, crying because I am ignoring you.»

«Ehhh... so thoughtful of you, Sakuya~» Tsubaki smiles, but everything is toned down – the brightness of his smile, the tone of his voice, the sparkle in his eyes.

It's like a candle reaching the end. Still burning, still making light, but slowly flickering towards death – it hurts. To see his savior so weak, slowly fading down to gray, looking too tired even just to keep his eyes open.

«Tsubaki, if-»

«Sakuya doesn't need to be anything different than what he usually is» Tsubaki interrupts him, tilting his head in a warm and fond smile – sad, but honest. Tsubaki would never lie to him... «You came to look for me, and that makes me feel so incredibly lucky~ For once, Sakuya put his stubborness and pride aside to come say hello to me~»

Sakuya forgets about Mahiru, forgets about the photos he took, forgets there is a life out of this house he is building for himself. That life that seems so precious, because he is creating it day by day with his own hands and mind – now it's forgotten, thrown out of the window as Tsubaki's smile looks so fragile and distant in the dark. A smile more beautiful than anything else, the smile he followed after death, _towards_ death.

Sakuya has no idea what love is. But as he bends down, and takes Tsubaki's cold face in his hands, and presses their lips together, he doesn't even worry about it anymore. No matter what he feels out of this room, out of this house: he knows he will never be able to get rid of the leash the Servamp put on him.

 

 

They don't talk about it, and Sakuya has still not decided how to feel about that.

Sometimes, he is relieved. If Tsubaki asked him an explanation about his gesture, he would be left gaping stupidly like a fish – it would be too embarassing to say that there is no reason, and that if there was one he forgot it, he just felt like it was the right thing to do, because Tsubaki always allows him to do what he wants and say what he wants and maybe he got too spoiled, too bold. It was an idiotic move, he thinks. Why did he even give his first kiss to the Servamp? As loyal as he is, he didn't really want to give such a precious thing to the moody idiot who thinks putting a farting cushion on his seat is funny. And what would the other Subclasses think?

Ah, he can imagine it so clearly. They know they are all equal in Tsubaki's eyes – and though everybody has a personal way to approach the Servamp, they are perfectly aware that everything one does, can be done by the others too. If somebody decided to become as rude as Sakuya, or as clingy as Belkia, or as distant as Otogiri, they know they would be free to do so. But a kiss?  
A kiss is another matter. Even Tsubaki looked surprised when Sakuya pulled away. If the others found out one of them dared step so close to their god, to their reason of being, wouldn't he lose the trust and affection of his whole family?

A kiss. Have the others ever wished to kiss Tsubaki, he wonders? Sitting at the window, with loud rock music in his ears, he watches his family play board games just a few feet away. He analyzes every Subclass, wondering.

Belkia is always so clingy, for sure he must have thought of kissing Tsubaki at one point. Maybe not on the lips, maybe not as a romantic gesture – just in that weird way Western people have of kissing the people they like, even if they are not lovers. Isn't Higan from Europe too? And yet, Higan does not sound like a foreign name. It's hard to understand what goes on in the artist's mind, he seems to jump from a thought to another without any direct correlation; but Sakuya knows that he draws Tsubaki a lot. He doesn't hide it. He sketches the Servamp's beautiful face and expression at breakfast, food forgotten on his left for Belkia to steal, and doesn't worry about covering his creations. Why should he hide them, anyway? Just because he is so shy about his feelings for Tsubaki, Sakuya realizes, it doesn't mean there's anything shameful in them. He never really realized, never really told out loud to himself, how clear the others make that they would slice their throats open if Tsubaki said he was thirsty.

He shakes his head, and goes on with his analysis.

Otogiri? She always keeps to herself, it's hard to imagine her attracted to anybody at all, be it Tsubaki or somebody else. But she cares about the Servamp. Maybe, in the way Sakuya's sister used to hold him against her breasts and kiss his hair, Otogiri would do that for their Servamp. Maybe she would kiss Tsubaki's face like a devoted daughter would do for her benevolent father.

That leaves only Shamrock, but Sakuya frowns when his eyes rest on him. He is always so servile, always on his hands and feet for Tsubaki – not as a worshipper, but as a stupid slave. Sakuya doesn't like him, and knows the feelings are reciprocated. For Shamrock, it's unthinkable that a Subclass could insult the “young boss” and disrespect him without paying for it. Maybe Shamrock would like kissing Tsubaki. Screw it, Shamrock would be Tsubaki's sexual slave if he could – or maybe he'd cry because the little prince should not dirty himself touching a lower being like him. Shamrock for sure would be the first one to punch him in the face, if he found out about what he did.

He sighs and looks at his phone. The lockscreen is a photo he took with Mahiru during a trip to the mall – he looks at it, trying to remember what romantic love feels like. Maybe he should kiss Mahiru. Maybe he should ask him to date for a while, before they graduate and part ways. He'd for sure be happy, he thinks.

 

 

«I don't want to talk about it.»

Tsubaki's smile doesn't falter – rather, the Servamp sits next to him and now there are two pair of feet dangling from the roof. The city under them sparkles with nightlife, but no sound can reach them so high, and the silence doesn't go well with those lively lights.

They are so distant from everything, tonight like in their life. They are something different, and it was naive to think that a chance to build a life with humans – although short, although fake, although just temporary – was possible. And yet...

«It would be dangerous to leave you alone now» Tsubaki says.

Sakuya prefers not to investigate what he means – prefers to think that Tsubaki knows nothing of his self-punishments, of the bad habit he has of looking down of the balcony for a bit too long. Sometimes, he thinks back to a life he was supposed to leave behind forever.

But once again, he will not jump. Once again, he hangs onto a promise – waiting for a savior that promised to reach for him with a kind hand...

«I forgave you all» Tsubaki's voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and Sakuya finds himself obligated to finally look at the Servamp – even though he is not reciprocating that look, but watches life go on under their feet with bored eyes «I forgave you all long ago. The grudge I hold against my siblings, against Sleepy Ash – it's easy to hate somebody you never spent a day with, isn't it? But you were all so kind to me.» Finally, slowly, his red eyes raise from the city underneath. He looks at the moon above their heads for a moment, and only then turns his head to look at Sakuya – his smile is... sad. Sakuya hates how banal it sounds, but it's the only word he can find. «As hard as I could try, I wouldn't be able to hate anyone of my precious Subclasses, even if they happened to forget me.»

A savior. A hand outstretched for him. A beautiful smile.

Mahiru promised to save him, to stop this useless war from happening. He promised they could be friends once it's all over. Like years ago, Sakuya finds himself hanging onto the promise of a stranger – no, not a stranger this time, but a liar. Why is he giving Mahiru a second chance? It would be all so much easier if he could just slay that soft throat open, and give his still warm head as a gift to Tsubaki. Or maybe he could go with Mahiru. He could turn his back to Tsubaki, forever. Never to come back.

But looking at him, Sakuya knows he would rather kill Mahiru with his own hands and then cry about it all his life than disappoint his Servamp. To see that sad smile, to tolerate this heavy silence between them, to allow Tsubaki to read him like a book – to be so obviously conflicted, isn't it enough of a betrayal already? Enough of a reason for Tsubaki to dig his fangs in Sakuya's soft neck and suck his life away, as easily as it was given? To not be on his knees promising for his loyalty, for his complete devotion, but to sit silently side by side and to look at each other in the eyes: that's already a betrayal in itself.

«I am still here, no?» he chokes out, frowning – looking away, because the sadness of that smile is starting to chew on his mind.

Tsubaki breaks into a burst of laugh, though it doesn't last very long this time.

«How boring, Sakuya. Here I am, opening my heart to you, and you are still so cold to me...» he jokes, masking the sadness with his usual grin.

It irks Sakuya. Are they going to pretend nothing happened again? Like they did with the kiss? Let things change between them, and yet keep acting like it's all the same. It's impossible. This time, it's simply impossible.

But before he can act on it, a warm weight rests on his shoulder. Tsubaki's head. Sakuya feels his cheeks heat up, despite everything; and it's stupid, really, because this is not the right situation to be embarassed. He looks ahead – not at the moon, not at the city. Just ahead, at the undefined line of the horizon in the dark of the night.

«I have always been like this.»

«And I already told you, didn't I? That you don't need to be anything else than what you are.»

Sakuya wishes he could just label these words as another lie to walk by, but Tsubaki is the only truth he has always believed in. Before Mahiru. Before he was born, before he died. Before anything else ever happened in his life. feels like every step was taken towards the man sitting next to him now, and it becomes easier to accept everything that went wrong in his life because it led to this.

Tsubaki doesn't know, he realizes. Tsubaki has no idea that under his cynism, and sarcasm, and mean words – under the distance he puts daily between them, even under Mahiru and romantic love or whatever that is, Sakuya adores him more than everything else. Maybe, Sakuya thinks, he didn't know for certain till one second ago either. Maybe he'll doubt it again in the future. But in the end, he is walking around in circles; and as far as he goes, as much as the diameter grows bigger and bigger, as many things and people he can meet on his journey, he can only go back to the starting point.

Tsubaki, and nothing else.

**Author's Note:**

> Woah, I am a bit nervous! I have already written in English before, but I never uploaded my stories before. This is also my first take on TsubaSaku - sadly unpopular, but it was my OTP in Servamp from day one. I just think that there must be a reason Sakuya keeps sticking around Tsubaki, and the way he talked about him with Mahiru tells a lot about what he really feels about the Servamp.  
> Just a couple annotations: this FanFiction probably suits the manga better than the anime, and I took the liberty of anticipating the purchase of the fox plushie a bit, to an unspecified time before Sakuya met Mahiru. I also assumed that he always behaved like an annoying and rebellious brat around Tsubaki and the other Melancholies, though it'd be interesting to know if sometimes his playful side comes out around them too.  
> By the way, I want to specify that I don't think Shamrock is as stupid as Sakuya depicts him! It just looks to me that there is some hostility between them. They are so different, after all.


End file.
